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About three months after this session, the client boarded a sold-out jumbo jet bound for Europe. Since she is only 5’ 3” and weighs 297 pounds, she overflowed a bit into the adjoining seats. A very expressive Frenchman had been assigned to a seat next to her, and when he arrived late, he pointed at her and said in a loud voice, almost screaming, “Look at this! I’m not going to sit here!” and made quite a fuss. Throughout this the client remained calm, thinking to herself, “I’ll bet everyone is thinking what a jerk this guy is.” She said, “Only later did it dawn on me that before the session, I’d have been looking under the seat for a place to hide.”
Three years later, she said, “Once I had the awareness that I automatically ‘clicked in’ to feeling comfortable in that situation, it had a real freeing effect; I’m no longer inhibited in public situations where people might stare or point. I’ve never been in a situation since where I’ve felt shame.”
I have just spoken with her again, over 11 years since the session. She said to me, “What has changed at the belief level is that before I thought ‘I didn’t have the right to be.’ Now, it’s ‘Hey, I have the right to be here, too.’ I remember one time in California, a couple of children, about 6 and 8, were pointing at me and staring, and saying, ‘Look at the fat lady.’ I went up to their parents and said, ‘You know, it’s not kind to teach these kids to be so critical and judgemental. Everybody has some disability, and if I had a choice to be different, I would.’ And then I walked away, and thought to myself, ‘God, did I say that?’ That change has really stuck.”
Now, if you read any John Bradshaw or any of those other people, they will tell you that there are two kinds of shame. There is useful shame that gets you to change your behavior, and there is toxic shame which eats your heart out in a bad way. And I think they have made a valid distinction. There is one kind of shame in which it is basically based on behavior. You did something, you screwed up, you know. Somebody caught you naked or whatever it is, and it is a specific behavior and you are ashamed of that behavior, but you are not ashamed of your self. It doesn’t become a comment on your being. What they call toxic shame is when it is a comment on your being. It’s actually a reflection on your self, your very being and that is certainly much more harmful. But I don’t think you need either kind.
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