Steve Andreas > Books Authored > Six Blind Elephants > Chapter 7
Steve Andreas > Books Authored > Six Blind Elephants > Chapter 7 | |
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People often compare themselves to someone else who has more ability, beauty, or money, and then feel bad because they are not as good as they are. Others do the reverse, comparing themselves to others who have less (skill, money, etc.) than they do. When someones problem results from comparing two different scopes, it can be useful to replace one or both of these existing scopes with different ones.
Both these comparisons are unbalanced, since everyone can find someone better or worse than they are, particularly if they change the criteria that they use. A useful temporary intervention is to have them do the opposite for a while. Then you can ask them to do both at once simultaneouslysee themselves as better than some, and worse than someto regain even more balance. Since its very difficult to do two comparisons at once, that engages their attention fully. Most people have to alternate between the two comparisons, and that offers a choice between them. A little practice with this can prevent someone from getting stuck in either of them for very long.
Self/other comparisons put your self-concept at the mercy of who you compare yourself with, which often results in self-esteem that goes up and down like a roller-coaster, depending on who you compare yourself to. Comparing yourself to someone who has accomplished something can be useful in motivating you toward goals, if you believe that you can accomplish what they have done, but can be very discouraging if you think you cant. Comparing your accomplishments to someone who is less capable than you are can make you feel better, but may not motivate you to accomplish more. I have written extensively elsewhere of the difficulties that chronic self/other comparisons can cause (8).
One choice is to shift to an other/other comparison. I wonder how Itzak Perlman feels when he compares his skills with those of other fine violinists? That invites a comparison between two very highly skilled people, where it would be very hard to tell which one was best, and it also dissociates them from the comparison, since no matter how they answer, it is about someone else, not them.
Making a few other/other comparisons makes it easier to transition to a more associated self/self comparison. How much (skill, etc.) do you have now, compared to a year ago? Then you can expand scope into the future, by saying, Think about how much more (skilled, etc.) you will be a year from now, and compare that with your present skill level, inviting them to anticipate and enjoy becoming more capable.
Of course, none of these alternative comparisons is guaranteed to get a more useful response. Most people are very pleased when they become more capable. However, I had a client once who felt deep regret every time he learned a new skill or response. He would go back to a previous time where he could have used the skill, and regret that at that time he hadnt yet learned it! That is not a useful comparison for most people to make, and it was easy to change his viewpoint from the past to the present, where he could feel good about his progress (and feel compassion for the younger him who was more limited). However, for some older people who find that their abilities are decreasing with time, what that client did could be very usefulgo back in time to when they had greater abilities and enjoy that, and be compassionate toward their less capable self in the present and future.
Since its difficult to do more than one comparison at a time, asking a client to try a different one means that they have to abandon the old comparison at least temporarily while they try a new one, giving them at least a few moments of something different before returning to their troubling comparison. Even when a client rejects a different comparison, they had to think about a different scope before rejecting it, and this may lead them to think of other different scopes that might be acceptable and useful.
Ultimately the goal would be to avoid comparing yourself to others unless it really serves your outcomes. When you think of yourself without comparing yourself to others, your self-concept is very stable, one of the characteristics of a healthy self concept. As Rabbi Zusia said, When I go to heaven, God will not ask me why I was not more like Moses, God will ask me, Why wasnt I more like Zusia?
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