Elements of Forgiveness
There are two major processes on the path to forgiveness:
- The first process is discovering the specific mental transformations that a particular person needs to make in order to reach the state of forgiveness. This is determined by a gentle exploration of internal images, voices, etc. – comparing how a person represents someone who has already been forgiven with how they represent someone they are still angry at. This quickly provides information about the internal perceptual changes that need to be made for this particular person. Once this is known, the changes can be made in a few minutes.
- The second part of the process usually takes somewhat longer: dealing with the objections that a client has to going ahead with reaching forgiveness. These objections often have to do with wanting protection against the expected consequences of forgiveness: “If I forgave him, then something bad would happen” – I'd be tempted to reconcile with him, he could hurt me again, etc. Objections about consequences need to be met by eliciting or teaching specific protective coping skills. “If you forgave him, how could you still maintain your resolve to stay separate and be protected against future hurt?”
Other objections have to do with the meaning of forgiveness to the client. “If I forgave her, that would mean something about me–that I'm a wimp, that I condone what she did to me, etc.” Objections about meaning need to be met by changing the client's meaning through some kind of reframing. “Can you see that far from being a wimp, your forgiving her would mean that you have accomplished a change that takes great courage, compassion and understanding–one that only a few human beings are capable of?”
