Steve Andreas > Articles > Gaining Additional Perspectives in Relationships

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Each of these positions has unique advantages and limitations. The ability to fully utilize all three gives us all the advantages and leaves the limitations behind. Like many skills, at first this may be a mostly conscious process, but with practice it becomes predominantly unconscious and natural. Here are some examples of how this exercise has helped people spontaneously become more resourceful:

One woman (4) wanted to pleasure her husband during lovemaking, but had been disgusted by one aspect of it that her husband liked. When she took his position, and discovered how much he enjoyed it, she said, “Wow, I didn’t know he liked it this much!” When she moved to observer position, she saw herself being kind to her husband, giving him an experience that was very special to him. When she returned to self position, all the disgust was gone, replaced with happiness at being able to please him so much.

One man, while exploring a difficult quarrel with his wife, discovered how she felt shocked and attacked by some of the things that he had said, when from his own perspective he had seen it as simply fully expressing his frustration and confusion. This led him to take a much more gentle and compassionate approach in talking with her. And when he told her what he had experienced as her, she was moved to tears that he finally understood how she felt.