Steve Andreas > Books Authored > Heart of the Mind > Chapter 1

Creating Comfort

“As you’re standing in front of that group, look past the cartoon eyes to see the real eyes of the people you’re looking at. Start with one person, and when you can see his real eyes, let your eyes move on to another face and see her eyes. Continue to make eye contact with all the people in the group at your own speed, and then tell me how that changes your experience.”...

As Joan did this, her shoulders and chest relaxed considerably, and she began to smile slightly. After about a half-minute she spoke in a voice that was almost as low as her normal voice: “It’s much better now. I can see the people out there, and I’m more relaxed. But I still feel disconnected from them.”

When I asked how she created this remaining feeling of disconnection, she said slowly and thoughtfully, “It has something to do with being higher than them. Even if I’m not on a stage, I’m always standing up and they’re sitting down, so I’m still higher than they are. I don’t like looking down at people. We can’t meet eye-to-eye.”

Since in the future she will actually be standing up, higher than the people she speaks to, I needed to find a way for her to feel as if she’s communicating eye-to-eye, even when there is a physical difference in height. A first step in this direction is to convince her that this is possible.

“Joan, have you ever been at a presentation in which you felt as if the speaker was talking directly to you, person-to-person, even though he or she was speaking from a higher platform?” Joan said thoughtfully, “Yes, I have.”

“Good, so you do know it’s possible. I want you to close your eyes, and go back to that presentation. Notice what that speaker does to establish that person-to-person rapport, even though he’s physically at a different level.”

After a few moments, Joan opened her eyes, smiled, and said, “He looked out into the audience and smiled, and some people smiled back. ... Whenever I’ve presented I’ve been scared, and my face has been too tense and tight to feel like smiling.”

“OK. Now that you feel more comfortable being in front of the group, you could easily smile at the people, right? Let’s try it out. Close your eyes and imagine that you are walking up to begin your presentation. Before you begin, try smiling out at the group and notice who smiles back. Some will, and some won’t; but either way it will be the beginning of your person-to-person interaction with the group.”

After a few moments Joan smiled broadly and said, “That works. Some of them smiled back and that makes me feel connected with them. How could it be so simple?” The important thing was not just having Joan smile, but finding something that made Joan feel the person-to-person connection she wanted.

This session with Joan took about fifteen minutes. A few weeks later, Joan reported that in recent presentations she had felt relaxed, comfortable, and connected with the group.