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Virginia consistently talked in ways that allowed her to gather specific information about the interaction among family members.
Although each verbal pattern in itself made a relatively small difference, taken together they had a powerful impact.
Virginia would often begin by speaking to the children about something seemingly inconsequential. In the transcript in Satir Step by Step she asks where everyone sits at the dinner table; this makes it easier to elicit the family's patterns of interaction innocuously. (1983, pp. 16-18) As she did this, she used specific questions to pinpoint what occurs in the family, asking “who, what, when, where, how, specifically?” and noticing any nonverbal responses that indicated communication patterns. Often she would go on to request a demonstration, so she could see and hear the behavior itself and know exactly what she had to work with.
After creating a sculpture depicting the pecking order among the children and verifying with both parents that it is accurate, Virginia turns to the mother and asks her to demonstrate how she deals with the children's fighting when her husband isn't there:
Now Margie, I'd like you to come and do what you do at home when this is happening. What do you try to do? (1983, p. 58)
After Margie describes and demonstrates what she does, Virginia asks the mother to sit down and turns to the father:
When you see this happen, would you come and show me what you do when this is going on? (1983, p. 62)
After the father shows what he does when the mother isn't there, Virginia asks how they respond when they are both present:
Now, when this happens and the two of you are here, Casey and Margie, I'd like to know what happens. When you're both present with the kids. (1983, p. 64)
Now Virginia has specific information about what each parent does separately and how this changes when they are both present, which also provides information about the marital relationship.
Virginia would also gather information by using a form of indirect question described by linguists as a conversational postulate. “Now, would you like to change anything about that?” (1983, p. 38) or “Is there something special you'd like to talk about, for you?” (1983, p. 40) The literal answer to such questions is yes or no. However, most people do not just answer such a question with a simple “yes,” but spontaneously go on to provide the information indicated.
Virginia also used gentle statements that actually functioned as questions and are called embedded questions. “I was wondering if you knew anything about what it feels like to get angry.” (1983, p. 38) “I wonder how you feel, Margie, about Casey's... at least his feeling that he's the bad guy?” (1983, p. 66) Since these statements don't require an answer, there is no demand for a response. However, most people respond by providing the information requested.
These and other easily learned linguistic patterns in Virginia's work are described in detail in her book Changing with Families, (1976) coauthored with Richard Bandler and John Grinder.
Although Virginia thought of herself as nurturing and supportive of family growth, she was persistent and direct (some would say confrontational) when going after information and feelings that she knew would be useful to the family. After the father, Casey, says, “Well it makes me the bad guy,” the dialogue goes as follows:
Virginia: Yeah, I wonder. Let's sit down for a minute, and I want to find out something else. That's what happens, but that's not what you like to happen, I gather. Now, I wonder how you feel, Margie, about Casey's... at least his feeling that he's the bad guy?
Margie: I don't think so. If he speaks up. I do discipline the children.
Virginia: No, that's not what I'm asking you right now. I'm asking you how you feel about Casey feeling he's the bad guy.
Margie: Well, he does, very definitely.
Virginia: And I'd like to know how you feel about his feeling that, dear.
Margie: I feel sad for Casey. (1983, p.66)
In this example, Virginia had to ask her question three times before she got an appropriate answer from Margie.
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