Other Objections
This transcript presents a typical example of guiding a client through the forgiveness process, and another example is available on videotape (3). However, it is an example of someone who already believed that forgiveness might be useful. With someone who has no interest in forgiving, some preparatory work would be needed to deal with objections and motivate the client to even consider the possibility of reaching forgiveness. Some common objections, and brief examples of dealing with them follow:
- “The other person doesn't deserve forgiveness.” Perhaps not. But forgiveness is not for him, it's for you, so that you can live in your body with more comfort and congruence. Forgiveness is so that you don't have to continue to be burdened by angry feelings, preoccupied with obsessive thoughts about revenge, etc.
- “I need to get even first.” What would getting even do for you? Often people say that they feel personally diminished by the harm that was done to them, and that getting even would help them feel powerful and good about themselves again. I want you to feel powerful and good about yourself, and I'd like to offer you other ways of doing this. For instance, I'd like you to learn how to cope effectively with possible repetitions of this kind of behavior, so that you feel safe and strong in knowing what you can do to prevent a recurrence.
- “Anger makes me feel powerful; I don't want to give it up.” Yes, there is a certain feeling of power in feeling angry, in being courageous and willing to stand up for yourself and your values. But usually there is also a sense of lack of choice in having to be angry and having to be preoccupied with thoughts of that person who harmed you. When someone says, “He made me angry,” what they are really saying is, “He can control my feelings; I have no choice but to get angry.” I'd like to offer you more choices, so that you can be the one in control of your feelings and behavior, and stand up for yourself even more powerfully.
- “I refuse to forgive and forget.” I agree with you completely. I don't want you to forgive and forget. If you forgot, then you'd be completely vulnerable to a repetition of the harm that was done to you. I want you to forgive and remember. I want you to remember so that you are protected against possible recurrences, and to remember in a way that provides you with feelings of strength, choice, and resourcefulness, instead of being provoked into choiceless anger.
- “If I forgave him, then he'd think what he did didn't matter and he could feel comfortable doing it again.” So you want him to know how terrible it was for you, and so that he won't do it again. I think that it is important for you to communicate that to him. I don't know about you, but I find that when I'm angry I don't communicate very well. Often the other person gets defensive and doesn't listen, and maybe “blows it off,” thinking “Oh, he's just upset; it doesn't mean anything.” I'd like to help you find ways to really get through to him, and my guess is that will be much easier if you're not angry and upset.
The common theme in all these examples is to completely respect and align with the positive outcome that underlies the client's objection, and find a way that the client can realize that reaching forgiveness would actually support that outcome.
