Self-forgiveness
This same process can be used for forgiving yourself for the harm you have done to others. The only difference is that you would begin with an experience of harming yourself, (rather than having been harmed by someone else) and an experience of forgiving yourself (rather than someone else). There are two additional understandings that are usually vitally important in self-forgiveness:
- That everyone always does the best they can in a given situation, and
- The healing value of atonement.
- The presupposition that everyone always does the best they can is basic to all our work, and is best illustrated by a brief experiment. Think of a time when you harmed someone else, and you now regret it. Looking back on that situation, think about your motives, your knowledge, your perceptions, capabilities, fears, limitations etc. at that time. Considering all this, at that time could you have done anything different?
Now, with the benefit of hindsight, and subsequent learnings, etc. you may be able to do something different next time, but at that time you did the very best you could. Understanding this can also be a very useful part of being able to forgive others, but it is an absolutely essential part of forgiving yourself.
One of the main results of Virginia Satir's “Family Reconstruction” process (in which the client directs and observes a vivid reenactment of the parents' childhoods) was to be able to see the parents' harmful behavior as the best that they could do in the context of the limitations and difficulties of their own upbringing.
- Atonement can also be spelled “at one ment,” becoming “at one” with, rejoining with what has been alienated. Anything that can be done to compensate for the harm that you did to others helps the healing, because it transforms regret into positive action. This can range from a simple heart-felt apology to taking steps to make up for the harm that was done. If the actual person who was harmed is dead, or otherwise unavailable, one can do good to others in the same kind of situation. Many Vietnam veterans have said that going back to Vietnam and helping the people there in some way has been a very healing experience.
