1. Loss (absence/emptiness)
Think of an experience of one of the two following options:
- An actual loss that you are grieving about and about which you feel a sense of emptiness or absence, or a loss that you haven't fully dealt with yet. “Think of someone you are presently grieving about, or an unresolved loss that makes you feel uncomfortable when you think about it.” Make very sure that your representation is of what you valued and didn't want to lose, not the loss of the relationship. For example, if your child died of cancer, and you recall the child as emaciated and comatose shortly before death, that is probably not what you are sorry you no longer have. What leads to grieving is what you valued and now miss—the child's laughter and play, special qualities, future promise, etc. If the person just sees the ill child or a coffin, ask “How do you know something valuable was lost?” or “How do you know this is worth grieving over?” until s/he thinks of the valued experience, not its negation. This step is extremely important; the pattern will not work without it, and any attempt to proceed with the process will plunge the client into unnecessary unpleasantness.
- A potential loss that you hope never happens, but if it does, you'd like to be prepared for it. “Think of someone who is very precious to you and represent this special relationship, but as forever lost and gone.” You can imagine that you have just been told that s/he recently died in a car accident, and use that representation. If you choose this option, you will be doing “pregrieving,” programming in a useful coping response to a possible future loss.
Calibration. As the person accesses the experience of loss, notice all the many nonverbal responses that you can observe in their breathing, posture, facial expressions, etc. so that later in the process you can recognize when it is changed, and notice if this state recurs.
