Steve Andreas > Books Authored > Heart of the Mind > Chapter 11

Introduction

Four years after Al and Sheri stopped dating, he was still preoccupied with her. Nearly a year after the split, Al had heard Sheri was getting married, so he went to city hall to search through marriage license applications. When he couldn’t find her name, he thought to himself, “I still have a chance.” Al had dated very little since then. Whenever he passed Sheridan Boulevard, her name, Sheri, still “popped out at him.”

We began studying the grief process in 1984, and developed a method for resolving it effectively, based on what people who spontaneously resolved grief well, did without knowing it. Since so many others have benefited from this method, it seemed likely that Al would too.

First, I asked Al to think of Sheri and tell me how he thought of her. He saw her in a small, still picture slightly to his right. “It’s very dark and depressing. I don’t like to look at it.”

“What do you see in that picture?”

“I see when we broke up. That’s the last time I saw her.”

People often recall the bad times rather than the good times they had with someone they loved. That can make the yearning less, but it also keeps them distant from the positive feelings they had with the lost person. This prevents them from being able to resolve the loss.

“Find out what happens if you change that picture to one of the very special times you had with Sheri, when things were going well.”...

“It’s less depressing now, but I feel pulled even more strongly. That’s what I’d like to have back again—the good times.”

This is typical of the way people think of someone who is lost to them: small, distant, inaccessible. That’s what causes the feeling of emptiness; you can see the lost person, but she is so distant from you that you can’t feel the good feelings you once had with her.

Next I asked Al to set that picture aside temporarily. “Now think of someone who is no longer in your life, but when you think of him or her, you feel good—you have a sense of presence or fullness, rather than emptiness. How do you think of that person?” Al saw his old high school friend, Fred, to his left, life size, and moving. As he did this, he said, “Boy, that sure feels better!”

I checked to be sure he really felt fully with this person. “Do you feel almost as if Fred is here in the room with you? Can you feel what it’s like to be with him, even though he’s no longer part of your life?”

“Yes, it’s almost like he’s in the room with me.”

I’d just found out from Al how his brain codes an experience of someone who is actually lost,’ but about whom Al has a positive sense of ‘presence.’ It was in a certain location, life-size, and moving. This will be key information in helping Al resolve the loss of Sheri.

“Would you have any objection to being able to think of Sheri in the same way, so that you could feel the good feelings that you had with her instead of that depressing emptiness?”

“Well, it would be nice to feel those nice feelings again, but wouldn’t it get in the way of meeting other women?”

“That’s an important consideration. You certainly don’t want to just sit at home feeling good about Sheri. Actually, when we’re done, you’ll feel much more like meeting other women. Thinking of Fred this way hasn’t stopped you from having other male friends, has it?” Al agreed that it hadn’t.

“However, thinking about Sheri the way you have been has kept you hung up on her and gotten in the way of your meeting other women. This process will allow you to regain the good feelings that you had with Sheri, just as you already have them with Fred. Those were your good feelings and you deserve to have them in place of the longing and emptiness you’ve been feeling. More important, later we’ll use those good feelings as a guide to what kind of new relationship you want to build with someone else in the future.”

“Well, that sounds all right,” said Al, agreeing to go ahead, but still a bit doubtful that this could make a difference.

“Good. First I want you to think of one of the most special times you had with Sheri, when things were going well. ... Then I want you to see her life-size and moving, over here on your left in the same location where you saw Fred. You can think of her in the same way that you think of Fred, almost as if she were here in the room with you.”

Al began to smile and relax, obviously feeling better. “That feels nice. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that.... I do feel differently about her now.”

“Even though you have lost that relationship with Sheri, you can still have those good feelings with you.” Further testing confirmed that Al now felt comfortable thinking and talking about Sheri. His brain now had her categorized differently—not as someone to grieve over, but like Fred, someone to feel good about. NLP allows us to tap into how our brains code experiences, and this is what enables us to make such surprisingly rapid changes.

It might be tempting to stop at this point, since Al has learned how to replace his feelings of emptiness with warm feelings of love and caring when he thinks of Sheri.

However, even if Al went on to develop new relationships on his own, he might try to exactly duplicate his experience with Sheri. In the novel Lolita, a 40-year-old man is still trying to find an exact replacement for the 13-year-old girl he loved over a quarter-century earlier. You can’t replace the person you have lost, but you can develop a new relationship that has many of the same valued qualities that you had with the lost person.

The next step will help Al go even further in preserving the benefits from his past relationship with Sheri. It will make sure Al uses his past experiences to find and develop new loving relationships. This is what people who spontaneously recover quickly from tragic losses have done.

“Now I want you to close your eyes and review all the good experiences you had with Sheri—never mind the bad ones; they don’t matter right now. As you do this, I want you to think of the values you experienced in that relationship. Different people value different things in a relationship. Some value the warmth and intimacy, while others value a friendship that is less intense, but still a comfortable being-together. Some people value spontaneity and variety, while others value steadiness and dependability. Humor, intelligence, and liveliness are just a few of the other things that people value in a relationship. Some people find that in a relationship they were able to appreciate themselves more, and that’s part of what they valued...

“As you identify the various values that you experienced with Sheri, I want you to put those into a separate image in a different location. This image might be more symbolic or abstract, but it will preserve the essence of the special experiences you had with Sheri.”...

“I see a warm, white light that permeates anything it touches,” Al commented.

“Great. Now in a third location I want you to imagine what form those values might take in your future. How might you satisfy those same values with another person? This image can be somewhat vague and unclear, because you don’t know yet who you will meet and enjoy in the future, but the image will have that warm, white light. Imagining how you can experience those same values with someone else will direct your attention toward searching for other women and discovering what kind of satisfying relationship you can develop with each one you meet.”...

“I’ve got it. That makes me feel more hopeful.”

“Now take that picture and multiply it, as if it became a deck of cards. As it multiplies, each card may turn out a little bit different, but each one will have that warm, white light, each one still preserving the essence of the kind of relationship you want to develop...

“When you have that stack of pictures, I want you to imagine that you cast them out into your future, so that they scatter throughout your future, some nearer to you, and others farther out. After you scatter them, you may be able to see the warm, white light of each one, twinkling like a small star.”...

“That’s amazing. I can actually see all those little sparkling lights.”

“Great. Now I want you to think of Sheri the way you used to, small and dark, and see if you can get the old feeling of loss back.”...

“I can’t really do it. I can sort of see it briefly, but then I think of those sparkling lights in the future.”

This process took about twenty minutes. For another demonstration and an outline of the process, see our videotape “Resolving Grief.” (1)