Steve Andreas > Books Authored > Heart of the Mind > Chapter 11

Pregrieving: Restoring Personal Power

A variation of this method is useful for what we call “pregrieving,” a process that prepares people in advance for a coming loss. This is particularly useful for people with aged or ill friends, or for those who are preparing for divorce.

Pregrieving helps people gain a personal resolution about future events, so that they can deal much more responsively and respectfully with someone who is dying or leaving. Without pregrieving, people can be so involved with their grief response that they aren’t able to offer support to the dying person. The dying person certainly has enough to deal with, without the extra burden of helping his relatives and friends cope with his death! One of our Master Practitioners uses this method practically every day in his work with AIDS patients and their families and friends.

In the same way, pregrieving can be useful in any other impending loss, such as an approaching divorce. By resolving the loss in advance, you can feel powerful and resourceful, rather than desperate and helpless. This provides a much better emotional basis for dealing with the practical problems of the separation. This resolution can sometimes even be useful in establishing a basis for a possible reconciliation.

As a surprise bonus, we have found that pregrieving is even useful with couples who plan to stay together! It strengthens their relationship, and eliminates any clinging dependency resulting from thinking, “I can’t live without you.”

For instance, Ron was unhappy with his intense jealousy over his girlfriend. After one of our Master Practitioners used this method with him, his jealousy vanished. He no longer had the sense that his girlfriend was the “only” way he could have certain valuable experiences. As a result, Ron didn’t feel so dependent and helpless. Pregrieving revealed to him that these valued experiences were a part of him He could appreciate his girlfriend more fully without desperately clinging to her. Ron was happier because he felt much more complete as a person, and his girlfriend was also happier because he wasn’t constantly worrying about her every move.

Louise had been feeling upset about the possibility of losing her boyfriend. Since he hadn’t yet made a specific commitment to her, she felt very vulnerable. These feelings were interfering with their relationship. To Louise, it was a “big issue.” After doing the pregrieving process with Louise, she sent a note saying:

“I really appreciate that you gave me attention and help. Once it works, everything seems so trivial, regarding the ‘big issue.’ It’s incredible how fast our brains can learn, with the proper help.”

We have personally ðãå-grieved for our children and other relatives and friends. We find that our awareness that they might not be here tomorrow makes the time we have with them now even more special and precious. When Steve’s mother died three years ago, he spent a quiet morning alone, reconnecting with the special times he had with her, and then went on with his life. Even death can become a celebration of living.

In addition to resolving grief, and making it easier to cope with the practical problems of loss, this method builds a sense of personal power and healthy independence, establishing an ability to stand solidly on our own feet as we reach out to others.

Not when the sense is dim,
But now from the heart of joy,
I would remember him.

—Rev. H.C. Beeching