| |
| |
| |
| |
One of the most powerful aspects of Virginia's work was her assumption that everyone's intentions were positive, no matter how horrible the behavior was, and her use of these positive intentions as a firm foundation of agreement from which to search for more positive feelings, communication, and behavior. On at least one occasion she facilitated a group that included both a Nazi death-camp survivor and an ex-guard from the same camp, successfully helping them to understand each other, and find their common humanity. Even when she did not verbalize it, Virginia always presupposed positive intentions and distinguished between intentions and behavior. She believed that, at the core, people mean well—even when they do mean things.
I heard you say that this (yelling at the kids) started out with you trying to please Margie. (1983, p. 72)
One of the things I'm discovering is a tremendous feeling of concern and caring from your father to all of you children, and from your mother to all of you children. But I don't think that always comes through as much as it could. (1983, p. 116)
Perceiving that someone has good intentions changes our response when the person is exhibiting problem behavior. It means we can agree with the person's intention and validate his humanity, even though we still don't like the behavior. Instead of bickering or fighting, we can join in a search for alternative behaviors that satisfy and validate both of us.
| |
| |
| |
| |
