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Virginia never blamed anyone. She presupposed that hurtful or destructive behavior was simply a result of limited opportunities to learn how to respond more positively.
... We learn from whatever our experiences are. OK? It's not because it is bad, it's just that we learn certain things. (1983, p. 82)
You were mad. Well, those things happen sometimes. (1983, p. 26)
OK. Now what if it would happen that none of this could happen without everybody's help? (1983, p. 62)
Virginia perceived the therapist's role as that of an educator: teaching and demonstrating how people could learn to perceive, respond, and act in ways that were more effective and satisfying.
Problems will always be with us. The problem is not the problem; the problem is in the way people cope. This is what destroys people, not the “problem.” Then when we learn to cope differently, we deal with the problems differently, and they become different. (1989)
As one way of communicating to people that their own experiences, whatever they were, were valid, Virginia often asked them to visualize a medallion made of something wonderful to them, to hang around their necks:
On one side is written “No.” And under “No” it says, “Thank you for noticing me, but what you ask doesn't fit for me right now, so the answer is no”.
And you turn it over, and on the other side it says “Yes.” And then it says, “Thank you for noticing me. What you asked me fits wonderfully well, and the answer is yes.”
And then when you get timid at a certain point in time, you take out your medallion, and you put the one [side] out that really fits. And then you look underneath, and you know what to say. (1989)
Teaching people simply to notice whether a request or invitation fits is self-validating. Responding with a simple yes or no avoids all the shoulds and oughts, incongruity, confusion, defensiveness, and blaming that so often occur when people try to appear to be different from what they are.
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