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When a person recalls a problem situation, he can experience it in one of two very different ways.
In an associated memory, the person re-experiences the event fully, as if it were happening again now. He sees what happened again through his own eyes, and hears and feels what he felt at the time.
In contrast, a person can also recall a memory from a dissociated viewpoint, as if he were an impartial observer watching a movie or videotape of someone else experiencing the event. From a dissociated viewpoint the person sees and hears everything that happened, but his feelings are the much milder feelings that a detached observer might have.
Experiencing an associated memory of a problem evokes strong unpleasant feelings that provide powerful motivation for change. However, people often become stuck in these strong feelings and the single, associated viewpoint; this makes it difficult for them to change. People in this position are also usually oblivious to their own behavior and how this elicits responses in others that contribute to the problem.
A dissociated point of view frees people from the unpleasant feelings associated with a problem. This makes it easier to observe a problem more objectively and to respond more reasonably and creatively. From this viewpoint you can also review the same events while seeing your own behavior and how other people are responding to it. This literally provides a broader perspective with much more information about what a person can do to improve the communication or interaction.
To summarize: association evokes strong feelings that provide motivation for change, while dissociation provides less intense feelings, more information, and better access to creative resources that can help resolve problems.
Virginia was adept at using association and dissociation to build motivation and achieve change. When she wants the family to experience fully the pattern that she perceives—that everyone blames the father—she says:
“Bad guy” feels like people are always pointing the finger. Let me give you my picture of what it might feel like to Casey, OK? Would you all stand up and point your fingers at your father? No. Stand up and do it. All of you stand up and point at your father. (Everyone stands, pointing a finger at Casey.) If he would feel that in his insides, he could feel that, “Everybody thinks I am a bad guy.” Is that what you feel?
Casey: Yes.
When Virginia wants Casey to experience this even more fully, she asks the family members to continue for a while and asks Coby, the son, to “put it a little stronger.”
Virginia: Now look at these fingers for a minute. Point all those fingers at your dad. Put it a little stronger, Coby. Look at these fingers. And could you tell any one of these people how you feel about having those fingers pointed, Casey?
Casey: Yeah, I don't like it. (1983, pp. 96—98)
By contrast, Virginia's refraining nearly always implicitly created a dissociated viewpoint, a new perspective on problems. By asking people to act out a family sculpture or ballet, family members associated into familiar roles. However, because Virginia relabeled behaviors and asked them to do them deliberately, they occurred in a new and broader context.
Each family member also sees himself participating in the ballet of family interactions. Although people tend to dissociate spontaneously, Virginia gave people explicit verbal instruction to be sure they made pictures. After setting up a sculpture depicting the pecking order of the kids in the family, Virginia says, “Just make a picture of it—that's right. OK, keep that [hand] down. We're just going to make like we're showing pictures.” (1983, p. 56)
Talking about the sculptures as “pictures” makes them something to look at from the outside, giving family members a new dissociated viewpoint. When she finishes this process she turns to the mother and says, “Is this any sight you've seen, Margie?”
Margie: Very definitely. Yes.
Virginia: Is this a sight you've seen, Casey? (Casey nods.) (1983, p. 58)
Whenever a family member said anything positive, Virginia would insist that he say it in a way that connected him directly with someone else in a feeling way, to associate both people into the positive feelings of the experience.
Virginia: OK, now I'd like you to look at Casey and feel his skin through your hands at this moment and tell me what you feel. (Casey explodes into a smile.)
Margie: Warm.
Virginia: OK. Tell it to him, because he's there. I know all this already.
Margie (looking into Casey's eyes): You're warm and you're soft. It feels good.
Virginia: Now how do you feel, telling that to Casey? Right now.
Margie: Good and whole.
Virginia: And how do you feel, hearing it?
Casey: It feels pretty good. (1983, p. 114)
Virginia: Now when this happened, when Casey reached out to you, like this, how did it feel?
Margie: A tingly sensation.
Virginia: Tingly. Tell it to him. “You tingle me.”
Margie (looking at Casey): You tingle me. There's a tingling sensation there. (1983, p. 118)
“A tingly sensation” seems to hang in space, unconnected to anyone. “You tingle me”—despite sounding awkward—puts Margie back into an associated, positive interaction with her husband. Notice that Margie spontaneously goes back to dissociation with, “There's a tingling sensation there.”
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