Steve Andreas > Articles > Resolving Shame

5. Plan a Specific Response

“Having decided on your own standard in this situation in which you did not meet someone else’s standard, what do you want to do in this situation?”

1. Same standard. “If your standard is the same as, or similar to, the other person’s standard, you might want to consider an apology, or some kind of amends, a specific commitment to meet that standard in the future, etc.”
2. Different standard. If your standard is different, you might want to consider not associating with that person, explaining that your standards are different, “going through the motions” of meeting their standards, even though you think they’re silly, joking about your differences, leave the country, etc. Keep in mind that no two people have exactly the same standards. If the person needs help developing a satisfactory response, use the “New Behavior Generator” (including the “as if” frame and modeling) to select an appropriate response.