Steve Andreas > Books Authored > Heart of the Mind > Chapter 11

How Long Does Grieving Take?

Most books on grieving claim that the person “must” go through a series of four or five stages to resolve grief over a period of time. Different authors list slightly different stages, but they usually include denial, anger, and bargaining, before acceptance. Often even this “acceptance” is more of a resignation than the kind of resourceful resolution that we have observed people achieving.

While this is certainly what has happened to most people in the past, it has very little to do with what is possible. Saying that it has to be that way is like the people in the last century who said that flying was impossible because it had never been done. Some people have always grieved quickly and resourcefully. By studying how these exceptional people successfully resolved their grief, we discovered the key elements and how to teach others to proceed through those elements quickly. We have found that a lengthy waiting period is simply not necessary—it’s only a result of not knowing what to do.

The fact that grieving is handled very differently in different cultures also indicates that the length of grieving is not fixed. The Irish have a “wake,” where friends and relatives talk about the deceased and party for three days, and after this celebration the survivors have “recovered.” At the other extreme, in some cultures a widow must mourn the death of her husband for a specified period of years, or in some cases, forever.

We have even used this grief resolution method effectively on the same day as the loss, although of course we do not push anyone to do this. No specific time period is needed; what is needed is an understanding of the mental structure of grief and loss, so that you know what to do to change it.